Mining for Eye Candy with a Ripe Plantain

The other day I sat with a dear friend of mine, Walter Snell, on the back porch of his gorgeous home in Puerto Rico watching the distant ocean (I know, life is rough, isn’t it?) and discovered that he has a secret wish to become a writer.  We discussed the pros and cons of such an endeavor and eventually came upon the subject of choosing titles for novels.  Dear reader, you may think actually sitting down and coming up with a name for a book is child’s play, but you would be sadly mistaken.  A work of fiction is made or broken by its title, because usually that’s what draws a reader’s attention to it as it languishes in a sea of its competitors.  I mean, look at the Holy Bible.  Actually, you really should pick it up from time to time and reacquaint yourself with it, but for the purpose of this article, you can merely look at it.  Who would want to read it if it had “The Word” emblazoned on its front?  I’m sure the first to own one (perhaps in the Dark Ages) looked at it and asked “What are all those funny squiggly lines?” because people back then didn’t know how to read, but when told the title was the “Holy Bible” I’m sure they perked right up and wanted to get their hands on some of the holy parts.  Yes, the big letters on the front of any book is probably as important as all the stuff written within the covers, and being able to master the art of Title Writing is a rare thing indeed.  This is why Walter and I have decided to go into business for ourselves and start the world’s first such enterprise, aptly called The Literary Title Corporation, or as we lovingly refer to it, NameCo.

Let me give you some examples of our service.  Let’s say you’ve just finished a legal thriller but just don’t know what to call it.  Somehow “Capital Murder in Monrovia” or “Felony Case in Kalamazoo” just won’t cut it.  For a small fee (only 15% of your royalties – not bad considering how little you’d make without one of our creations) we can fashion a title that will guarantee instant results.  Who can resist a title like “A Healthy Serving of Subpoenas”?   What do you do with a steamy romance novel that seems to elude the perfect moniker?  “Sweaty Sex” or “Morning breath” just won’t cut it.  Sign on with us and we’ll push your book to the top of the New York Times Best Seller list with a title like “Moontan Lotion”.  A book with that name is destined for greatness!

We already have a list of clients scrambling to sign on to our service.  Just today we closed a deal with a world famous Allergist for the title of his new book “Nose Poo”.  Snappy, isn’t it?  A well-known confectioner – ok, it’s Cadbury, but you didn’t hear that from me – has just retained us to pen the title to their evocative tell-all book called “Easter Egg Dentures for Bunnies”.  You may never brush your teeth again.  I’m telling you the sky is the limit here.

Before I go, however, I want to offer you a real bargain.  The first author that contracts with Walter and I will receive not one, but TWO titles of their choice, such as “Nine Hours to Greenwich,” “Tires Rented by the Hour” and “Pandering for Dummies”.  You’ll want to get in on the ground floor if you want to make it to the top.

View from Walter's Back Porch

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About jaytharding
Christian Mystic-in-training, burgeoning Apologist, Writer, Poet, Philosopher, all-purpose curmudgeon Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 11 Corinthians 5:17

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